


My Only Hope

by sophiemiss98



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2018-11-19 02:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11304063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophiemiss98/pseuds/sophiemiss98
Summary: After a war that devastated not only a nation, but every of its citizens, peace is finally restored and a new government is born.But despite that, Katniss Everdeen cannot overcome the aftermath of The Hunger Games and the consequences of playing the role of the Mockingjay.Lost and growing hopeless in what it seems to be a endless hole, hope arises.Not how or when, but who managed to bring Katniss back to life?





	1. Torment

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [My Only Hope](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/302319) by SophieMiss98 (me). 



> Hello! This is my first (and only) fanfiction. I am currently working on translating it from my original language (portuguese). I wrote this some years ago because I felt a need of exploring this relationship so dear to me. This is not beta read, but I do want to thank my sister for trying to play that role. Either way, there is a big chance that there is going to be a lot of english errors, so to any one out there that can detect one, please reach out to me. I really enjoyed getting back at this work, and I really hope you guys like it. I tried so stay as true to the characters as I could, but I apologize for possible OCC. Lastly, I just want to thank those who gave this fanfiction a try :)
> 
> For those interested in reading it in portuguese, here's the link https://fanfiction.com.br/historia/510042/My_Only_Hope
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own this story or this characters. I make use of some of the book quotes and expressions. All credit goes to the amazing Suzanne Collins. 
> 
> P.S: I read the books in portuguese, so some of the words may be diferente from the original work.

War destroys everything you hold dear. The place you once called home no longer exists; The people who lived there are gone; The person you once were is now a stranger. And you ask yourself: _was it worth it?_

Where would we be now without this war? Would you have found your way or would you be at the mercy of fate?

            Now you realize your questions have changed. It's no longer about what is going to be, but about what remains. It's not about building, but rebuilding. It’s not about treating, but about healing. The only thing you are certain of is that you don’t want it to happen again.

            But then, again, it doesn’t matter. It’s over. The enemy was defeated and anything that comes next can’t be worse than that. At least, that’s what you hold on to, hoping that everything is going to be okay.

            That is what I try to think when I feel like I am losing to my nightmare again. To the ghosts that haunt me and blame me for their death’s. Nothing works. My screams are the only sound leaving my mouth and my body only reacts to the impulse of running away and escaping everything that I know.

            It’s in moments like this where I feel like giving up. Join all who were once so dear to me. All my hope is running out and I feel my desperation growing  each day that passes. There is not a single night where I don’t wake up screaming and holding on to the sheets already torn.

            I don’t sleep and I don’t eat. I am more dead than alive. That’s the conclusion I come to when one more session of terror comes to an end. I take a deep breath. 'Inhale, exhale'. I can feel my heart slowing down. Lastly, I try to put up the list on my head again:

            “ _I am Katniss Everdeen. I am 17 years old. My home is district 12. I was in The Hunger Games. I won. I started a revolution. I returned to the arena. I am the mockingjay. District 12 no longer exists. I lost Peeta. I hate Haymitch. Peeta is alive. He wanted to kill me. Finnick is gone. Prim is gone. The Capitol was defeated. I am insane. District 12 has risen. I came back. Gale left me. Mom is in district 4. She left me too. Peeta hasn’t returned.”_

_Peeta hasn’t returned._

            After rereading the list on my head this is the only point that followed me for the rest of the day. Why hasn’t he returned? Has he gotten worse and still wants to kill me? Is it that he cannot come back knowing that his family is dead? If it was for me, I wouldn’t want to return either.

            It was with Peeta’s family on my mind that I decide to get up from the sofa. I take a shower and while I braid my hair I can’t stop looking at my body. Three weeks after returning from the Capitol, my skin is still as pink has a new-born baby and so fragile to the touch, but at least I don’t look like a patchwork pile anymore. I get dressed and put on my boots.

            When I get down I can see that Greasy Sae has been cleaning the house and has given herself the work of making breakfast for me. I eat it slowly. Hesitantly, I leave the house. I must admit I am a bit afraid of crossing paths with Haymitch. I will never be capable of forgiving him for lying to Peeta and me. Although I try to believe he was only trying to protect us, the feeling of treason shows up every time I am willing to forgive him.

            I leave the Victors Village. Upon arriving to the centre of town I can see the advances that have been made. All the bodies – or what was left of them – have been removed and there aren’t ashes on the ground. All the pieces of ruined buildings have been cleaned and taken out of the way. The only thing left is the skeleton of some of them where I can see they are putting on some new beams.  When I arrive to what used to be the bakery, I feel the guilt flowing in my chest. There isn’t anything left apart from the melted figure of what used to be the oven. I try to scavenge for a photograph, a childhood toy, a piece of clothing or even some of the tools they used on the bakery.

            The only thing I can find is the void of what used to be this place.

            I feel disappointed, for not having the chance of finding something to send Effie, hoping that she could deliver it to Peeta. My guilt keeps growing, knowing that he has nothing left to hold on to.

            Turning around to get back home, I find a clean and sober Haymitch looking at me. Okay, maybe not completely sober, but at least I can see he showered and that means something. What surprises me the most is the hard expression on his face.

           - What are you doing here? - I ask, using the same cold tone of voice I have been using to talk to him for months.

           - What are _you_ doing here? I do not see you leaving the house since we came back.

           - That doesn’t concern you. I don’t own you any kind of explanations, but you do own me some. – I try to attack him in some way, but he just looks indifferent to me.

           - I have given you all the answers I could. It’s not up to me to make you believe them. – In this moment, it seems like we are trying to fight a battle with our own eyes, trying to understand who is the most wounded.

           - I am not going to forgive you. I still can’t believe that your decisions made Peeta go through all that suffering.

           - This is all because of the boy? – He frowns. – Katniss, I told you already that I tried to save him. Do you think I wasn’t hurting as well, knowing he was being tortured? Watching you so lost without him? I see you as my own kids and whether you believe it or not, I suffered too. I may be a useless drunk, but I still have feelings. I am still human.

           Yes, I know he has suffered. I remember the times when the only person that I wanted to be held by was Haymitch because only he knew the pain of having Peeta in Snow’s hands. I don’t know if it is from pure selfishness, but even knowing that, I still can’t forgive him. It’s like there is an arm that pushes me back every time I am willing to do it.

          -I hate you. – Is the only thing I say when I leave. I can hear his heavy sigh, but I don’t care. He too is guilty for the state that I am in, even though I know I am the main guilty one.

          I get back home and spend the rest of the day on the sofa, a shawl on my shoulders, looking at the fire in the fireplace. It’s a long evening, where I find myself looking at the flame and remembering the first time Cinna called me “ _The Girl on Fire”_ and how the fire turned out to be my biggest enemy. It was a challenge trying to recover what was left of my good skin. It was a bigger challenge taking a shower with a skin so fragile that every drop of water seemed like having a needle constantly piercing your skin. But the damage is in the inside and not in the outside. I'm torn into pieces. Loneliness has crept upon me in a way that seems,now, just another part of me.

          I wish I had Peeta’s arms holding me, telling me that everything is going to be okay, that he is not going to leave me – when I was the one who left him. I wish to feel his lips pressed upon mine and his hot breath on my neck. I long for Peeta, coming to the realization that he is the only thing that I hold on to. He is the only barrier stopping my suicide. Because, somehow, I still hope for his return. With him, I know things could get better; Even if that wouldn't happen, we would still have each other. 

         When I return to myself, I notice that my face is wet with tears. All of my family is gone, the only person I have left is my mom who is in District 4 trying to rebuild her life doing what she loves. Peeta is in the Capitol and it seems like he is not coming back. Gale also went to District 2 and I never heard from him again, even though Greasy Sae says he shows up on the TV from time to time. But, honestly, I can only find relief knowing that he is building a new life with Hazelle and the children. Finnick, who was for so many times my confident, is gone. I wish with all my strength that Annie gets through this, knowing that Finnick was the reason of her sanity.

         Annie…after all of this, how is she holding on? If this is hard for me, I do not know how Annie manages to get through. Finnick was the one with whom she was happy with, the one she would welcome home with open arms and with all that love that I know she has.

         Suddenly, I am no longer crying for myself, but for Annie. For all the others that lost what they loved. For Johanna who is still trying to collect herself after the kidnapping. For Peeta, whose family I killed. For Madge, who perished alongside her family. I also cry for Haymitch, recognizing the fact that he is as alone as I am.

         This is all so unfair! I feel the sadness and the rage merging together, creating a storm that fills my body with a bittersweet sensation. I grab the first thing I can reach and smash it against the wall, hearing the glass breaking and hitting the floor. The next thing I notice is that I put my hands against my head with strength, biting the inside of my mouth to stop the scream from coming out.  I can taste the blood. I don't mind. In this moment, nothing matters anymore.

         In the end, the weariness gets the best of me and I fall asleep. It doesn’t take long for the nightmares to start. Tonight, I don’t dream with the dead but with the living. With Peeta. It’s a desperation, because I know that with the ones that are gone nothing worse can happen. The scene is so real in my head that for a couple of moments I feel like I am reliving it.

         I just watched Finnick die and what I see next is Peeta all curled up in himself in a corner. I remember the desperation when I kissed him, my hate for Snow. But it was also in that moment that I felt that a piece of the old Peeta was back.

         - “Stay with me” – I begged. The desperation ran through my veins and left through my voice. My few chances of bringing him back were already exhausted.

         - “Always”. – He answers and my chest is filled with a sensation of relief. I help him getting back up and then the unthinkable happens. Out of nowhere, a mute appears and opens Peeta’s neck. He falls on my arms.

         Dead.

         I feel his hot blood gushing on my hands, all his heat leaving his body and there is nothing I can do to invert the situation. Snow won. He got what he wanted. He got me destroyed and took away all my sanity with Peeta. Horrible sobs start to leave my throat and I hold Peeta’s lifeless body in my arms, begging him not to leave me. That I need him. It’s in my peak of craziness that my eyes shot open.

         I know that I have been screaming his name. I know that my screams were, probably, heard in all Victors Village, but nothing comes to aid me. Nothing, except the void. I can still feel the dread in my veins. The fear is stronger than I thought and it feels like it is not going to leave me.

_Peeta is alive. Peeta is alive. Peeta is alive._

         I repeat that sentence over and over again in my head. I try to mentalize myself that it is true and that he is okay, even though I’m not so certain about that.

         I hear something meowing at my side. Buttercup. The damn cat is brushing against me. I get up, go to the kitchen with him following my track. I give him some leftovers and he leaves me alone. I return to the living room and feed the fireplace with more logs. Sitting again, I fix my eyes on some dark point of the room and I know I am not going to sleep tonight.


	2. Emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry it took me so long to post the second chapter of this story. Like the last time, I must warn you this is not beta read, so I apologize for the future mistakes you'll find. I also know I use "I" a lot, so if that bothers you, just comment some suggestions of what I may use instead. I hope you enjoy your reading :)
> 
> Disclaimer: The Hunger Games trilogy and it's characters belong to aunt Suzie. Props to her for creating this amazing series.

             Three days later, I’m trapped in another nightmare. I’m in a deep hole and those I’ve killed or that have died because of me, scratch their shovels on the ground and toss ashes at me. I start to choke, pleading at them to stop. They don’t hear me. Not even Prim. That’s it, this is the end. The sounds of shovels hitting the ground don’t stop and it seems that they never will.

              My eyes open suddenly with pure dread. I can still here the shovel. They are coming after me! I start to run, leaving the house and making my way around it. And then I see him.

              He’s dirty and covered in sweat but he looks _good_. Better than me. He still looks a bit thin, but I recognize the same strong and robust body structure. Some burns are visible on his skin, but his complexion looks healthy and rosy. Alive.

              - You are back. – I say, thunderstruck. He lifts his face as he cleans the sweat of his forehead. When his eyes look down on me, I feel a shiver running down my back. His eyes of a unique blue no longer look distressed or mad.

              - They gave me permission to leave the Capitol yesterday. – He informs and takes some random plant and buries it on the ground. He then informs me that I have to pick up Dr. Aurelius calls.

              A bit on the defensive side, I ask him:

             - What are you doing?

             - I thought about planting these, you know, for her…- And then he looks up at the sky and hides his face with his hair, shy. I take a closer look at the plants. They are familiar…And then I remember: primroses, the flower that named my sister.

              I nod and keep on running away, locking myself at home. It’s ghosts keeping me company. A while later, Buttercup returns. This time, he keeps walking around me, not leaving me alone. I realize he is looking for Prim.

             - She’s dead, stupid cat! – I scream, tears leaving my eyes without me realizing they were coming. The cat looks at me in what it seems realization and then he too starts to cry. After some time, I end up fainting from the exhaustion, only waking up to keep crying alongside him. I don’t know how, but we end up finding a way of comforting each other. After some time, I think we have what some may some call a friendly relationship.

              Remembering Prim, I also think about my mom with whom I haven’t talked. Getting back up, with my mom’s letter on my hand – given to me some time ago by Haymitch -, I mark the phone number on the telephone in the office.  When she picks the call, I ask her how she is, how it is in 4. She says everything is okay and we keep on talking a bit more. In the end, we are both crying Prim’s dead. Mom promises me she’s going to try too call once in a while to make sure I am doing okay. I avoid creating expectations about that.

              After one more night of no sleep, I follow Greasy Sae’s suggestion and go hunt. It feels strange adventuring alone in the woods again, feeling this is not the place I once knew. It’s impossible to forget that the survivors of 12 saw their homes being destroyed in here. I get back home with empty hands. Filling myself with courage I return to my bedroom. I open the windows and toss the rose left by Snow to the flames. I stay under the shower, losing the notion of time until the water starts to run cold.  After that I put on some pants and a cotton shirt, brush my hair and braid it. I take something to eat from the kitchen to the living room. Instead, I end up falling asleep.

 

* * *

* * *

 

              A week as passed since Peeta’s return. He comes home every day to bring some bread, which Greasy Sae uses for my breakfast and some of my other meals. He always comes to the living room, where I am, looking at nothing. Asks me if I’m okay and I just nod. Sometimes he pops up some more questions and tries to cheer me up. Most of times though, he sighs deeply and leaves with his heavy steps. I know I’m being stupid, but lately I have been missing Prim so much, it’s like all my energy was drained from me. The worst of all, is that every time the door shuts and Peeta leaves I think about calling him. I want him to help me, making me get back to the life I lost or maybe never even had. Instead, I keep on being a coward and never have the guts to do it.

               It’s Sunday and the people on the district must be taking a rest from all the work of rebuilding District 12. Greasy Sae hasn’t shown up today so the only think I’ve eaten was a bread left by Peeta the day before. I don’t take a shower for some days now, and even though showers were never very common before, I feel filthy, like I was back at the arena. That’s something I just want to put completely aside. Because of that I go upstairs, take a shower and scrub my hair and my skin. After, I put my boots on, a sleeveless top and to get warmer, a cardigan made by Cinna in an intricated knitwear. Not feeling like braiding my hair, I brush it and leave it lose. I still get surprised by my reflection on the mirror. My dark hair got stronger and has grown, but my small build with a curtain of wavy hair hitting my shoulders keeps on startling me.

               I get back down when I hear some noises, thinking it must be Greasy Sae that brought me dinner. Upon arriving at the kitchen, I see a busy Peeta, covered in flour. For some brief moments, I keep leaning against the doorframe, watching him. I try to picture him on the bakery and I think how baking used to be a therapy to him, just like painting was. His face flushed and focused while his hands shape the bread. Movements so natural to him that I believe he could them with his eyes closed and even so, everything would come out perfect. His blond hair falls on his forehead and when he moves it away with the back of his hand I start to speak, to silence the urge of doing that myself.

             - What are you doing?

He looks at me startled. – I found Greasy Sae on the square and she told she couldn’t come today. Her granddaughter had chickenpox. I told her not worry, I would stop by. After all, I have nothing else to do. – I wait for a couple of seconds before answering.

            - Okay. – He seems relieved. – What’s that you’re baking?

            - The cheese buns you love. – And then he looks at me with those warm and sweet eyes of his, but lowers them again and takes the bread to the oven. When he does it, I remember all those times in school when our eyes would cross, but he, shying away, would always turn away when he saw I was looking at him. I feel a spur of something that feels like joy sparking in my chest.  – I can remember what you like, although everything is still a bit foggy in my head.

            - That’s okay. The important is that you still remember something, right? – I try to smile, but I feel that the best I can do is twist my lips. Smiling seems so strange to me now that, apparently, I’ve forgotten how to do it.

            - Right. – He smiles at me. I can feel it again, the shiver that runs through my body like a speed of a lighting. He smiles in a way that it so honest and so full of life that this time, I don’t have to try. I just smile without thinking. It still amazes me the effect he as over me. I try to approach him, but back away every time, afraid of provoking one of his episodes.

            - You can come closer, you know. I’m not going to hurt you. – I frown a bit for him noticing my hesitation.

            - I’m not afraid you will hurt me, is more the other way around. – I confess.

            He chuckles, like what I just said was some sort of joke. 

            - If you really think that, you are very wrong, Katniss.

            - What? Why? – Confusion fills my head. I cut some of our distance with a few steps.

            He stops what he was doing and turns to face me.

            - You would never hurt me.

            - How are you so sure of that? After all, it’s my fault you had to face all that pain. – Reliving this doesn’t help my recover, let along his. But I still feel it’s better saying this than saying nothing. And what’s the point in lying? Specially to Peeta, whom sometimes seems to know me better than myself.

            - That was Snow’s intention. His goal was making you carry all this guilt. I think it’s obvious that you are just one more of his victims. – And he looks at me like he is about to say something truly important- Snow was the culprit, not you. You must understand that, or else you are going to spend the rest of your life blaming yourself. It’s not your fault. We were just pieces on his deprave game.

            I absorb his words like a sponge, letting them take a calming effect over me. It’s amazing how Peeta always succeeds to convince me. Sometimes it’s hard to forget that the one who started this was Snow with his game of power and not me. It is also impossible not to make the connection to the eve of our first games. We were on the balcony and Peeta told me he didn’t want to be just a piece in their games. At first, I didn’t understand, but over time it started to mean a lot to me. After a moment of silence, in which we just stare at each other, I decide to speak.

            - But you taught me not to play but their rules. You told me you didn’t wanted to be just a piece in their games. – Then I use the game we used when he came back. – Real or not real?

            Peeta doesn’t answer. He just keeps silent, with an intrigued expression and a wrinkle between his eyebrows. I’m suddenly afraid he’s going to have another of his terrible episodes. – Real or not real, Peeta? – I insist. I need an answer.

            - Real. But in the end, he got what he wanted. – He smiles at me sadly and I can feel a lump in my throat, remembering my despair when I realized that Snow’s purpose was to keep Peeta alive to torment me. My hand aches to comfort him. I am not leaving him again.

              I let that feeling fade away and try to concentrate instead on what he is doing. It’s something simple, what they call an “omelette” in the Capitol, and adds some pieces of meat and cheese. Then he makes a salad with various types of vegetables.

            - Where did you learn how to do that? – I ask, curious.

            - I asked them to teach me, as part of the treatment. They had to fix something to distract me and so I decided to explore something more than baking and painting. – He seems busy right now, trying to do everything at the same time.

            - Do you want help? – Peeta looks at me surprised, but doesn’t refuse my help.

            - Can you finish the salad, please? – I nod and do what he asks me.

            An awkward silence emerges. I feel so weird. It’s the first time Peeta doesn’t come up with something to tell me, to cheer me up, just to talk me. I feel a bit disappointed and chastise myself next. I’m always trying to get something more of him. When I finish the salad, I set the table in silence. Then, Peeta serves the food and we sit facing each other.

             I am putting the first spoonful on my mouth when he speaks.

            - I talked to Haymitch. – Inside, that surprises me, but I shrug my shoulders in an effort no to show it.

            - And?

            - He told me he found you in the bakery some time ago. That you two argued. – I set down my cutlery and glare him. Concern is written all over his face.

            - When did he told you this?

            - Today, when I came over by his house. – He says, while looking at me, studying my expressions.  – Why did you fight? Don’t you think both of you have suffered enough?

             His questions make me feel guilty.

            - He’s been moping around, it that it? – I glare at him, my anger showing up.

            - It’s none of that, Katniss. - Peeta starts to get troubled. I can feel that when his normal voice gets louder, but not screaming.

            - Then what, Peeta? – I ask in the same voice, not keeping track of my feelings.

           - I wanted to know why did you argued. Don’t you think he has suffered enough? That you suffered enough for a  lifetime? Both of you!

           - None of this would’ve happened if hadn’t lied to us. It was because of him that you were tortured, Peeta! If he had warned us, we could have been together when the aircraft came to take me! You wouldn’t have to go through all of that! I wouldn’t have been desperate to find a way to get you of there! Because of him…-  And then I shut up, because I realize Peeta has been quiet for too long.

           When I look at him, his eyes are dark pools. He closes them, with a face of pure pain. Then I see his hands closed in fists. Shit! I should have kept my damn mouth shut! I hold his hands in mine, trying to open them so I can put mine in his. When I do, I hold them with strength, like my life depended of that. Because it might.

           - Peeta, Peeta, it’s okay. You’re safe. They can’t hurt you. I won’t let that happen. – I try to keep my voice as gentle as I can, but no matter how much I try to fight it, my voice starts to quiver and my body shakes. – Peeta, look at me. Please!

           I hold on to his hands with all my might, starting to feel tears flooding in my eyes. I can only remember the moment when he was about to flip out when Finnick died and how I only found a way of him to come back. Right now, that’s the only think I can think of. I repeat those words, hoping to hear that single, but so important, word back.

       - Stay with me, Peeta. Stay with me, _please._

          Seconds later, I feel his hands returning my grip strongly, but at the same gently.

        - Always


	3. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, again! The third chapter is probably my favourite and, in my personal opinion, the better so far. There are only two more chapters left, but they should take longer to upload, since I have yet to translate them. Sorry if there is a bit of OCC. Without further do, I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Disclaimer: This characters and the original story belong to Suzanne Collins.

              When I lift my face, I see him smiling. Smiling! How is this possible? He was going mad moments ago and now I see him smiling like there’s nothing going on! The smile vanishes as he starts to look worried.

\- What’s the matter, Katniss?

\- What’s the matter, Peeta? – I get up, feeling the blood in my ears and let go of his hands. – You were freaking out just a minute ago! You were going mad and now you’re smiling!

He gets up and approaches me, while I back away. However, he insists until I hit the wall. He looks at my hands and then holds my wrists with reassurance while I feel like my body is going to collapse due to the tremors. He lifts my face and looks at me seriously, but not capable of hiding his nature tenderness. – Why can’t you understand?

\- Understand what? – My voice sounds between a whimper and a sniffle.

\- That it’s you. – I get confused and he gives me the most beautiful tilted smile, while I feel more of those stupid shivers. The way he looks at me doesn’t help. – You are the reason why I come back. You’re the reason why I can still be sane and if I just lose it again, you’re the one that makes me get back to me. I am sorry if I ever made you feel bad for what I said or if by any reason I didn’t made you feel loved. Believe me when I say that all the things I said to hurt you, were Snow’s fault. Never ever yours. The true Peeta was always there, trying to come back, for you. You didn’t deserve to hear that, you just needed words of support and I am sorry for not giving them when you needed them the most. And then I blamed myself, because I was weak, because…-His voice starts cracking and tears start running down his cheeks. His eyes look so hurt and so lost that I start to feel my chest getting tight. It’s a weird feeling, like his pain was my own. 

\- You cannot imagine how much I wanted to punish myself every time I remembered I tried to kill you! Despite that, I started getting back to normal. Maybe not as fast as I would’ve liked, but you helped me so much. After all I’ve done, you were still there trying to protect me. When I thought you had given up on me, you would come back and you were there when I needed. That’s why I smile, Katniss. Because there is still happiness in me thanks to you.

I feel the tears running down my face, Peeta cleans them with his hands. I feel so protected from his touch that I cannot resist the urge of embracing him. When I start to talk, sobs are mixed between my words.

\- Oh, Peeta! I don’t deserve you and I never will. Until this day I can’t understand how someone like you can like someone like me. – When I feel his arms holding me, strong and warm, I can’t control a sob. But, with the warm of his arms I start to calm down and can stop shaking. Last time I embraced him, I never thought that I would have him again this way, especially as sturdy as before. Between my nightmares, his arms were my only refuge. He was. It’s so good to be between his arms again that I wish I could stay this way forever. 

I rest my head against his chest, hearing the beat of his heart as a way of calming down, just like I used to do. The herbs and medicines of my mom could never compare to the peace I feel when I am this close to him. I lift my face and now, it’s me holding his face between my hands, cleaning all evidence of tears.

\- I gave up, Peeta. I gave up on you, I gave up on everyone including myself. – I confess, because there’s no reason why I should hide the truth from him. – My only wish was to join my father and Prim. But you never gave up. You never did, no matter how much you’ve been through. You endured so much…more than most of us and that never stopped you. You were pushing us up, always helping, never leaving anyone alone. – My chest is filled with pride. 

Peeta is, with all my certainty and uncertainty, one of the best people I have ever met. Strong, persistent, loyal, loving, happy, honest, playful and another bunch of traits I can’t bother to start enumerating. 

I’ve been blind all this time, but I can, at last, understand that he is the single piece of my life I hold on to. My only hope. It’s like being trapped in a dark tunnel, without a way out and he is that light, that flash of sunshine, the hand that reaches out to you and pulls you back to the surface. To life. This time, I don’t try to deny what goes on in my mind and in my heart. I don’t want to keep hiding my feelings.

\- You’re my only hope, Peeta.

\- And you are mine.

Just like I reacted to my urge to hug him, I do the same now when all I want to do is kiss him. Peeta expresses himself with words, I do it in actions. When my lips touch his, I put all that I feel in the kiss. Far away seem the days when I accepted this gestures like an obligation, when all I can feel now is the longing and the craving. I don’t try to figure out when kissing him started to mean so much to me. 

His lips welcome mine softly and serenely. That’s when I know Peeta is back. My Peeta. Tormented and never like before, but I wouldn’t have him in any another way. I’m not alone anymore and that’s enough. I can feel my body reacting to the kiss. I try to memorize the warmth of his lips and how they feel on mine. The warmth that ran through me many nights ago in the beach is back. The sensation is so good I hope it stays with me. Together with Peeta and all that he gives me. When I feel my lungs begging for air, I rest my forehead against his and smile. 

\- I’m glad Peeta is back. – I can feel him smiling as he kisses my nose. 

\- He was never gone, just hidden. – He stands back a bit and laces his hands in mine. – What about if we get back to that amazing dinner I just made? It must be cold and I’m starving. 

I smile and nod, because I can feel my stomach complaining. – Sure. Let’s see if Mr. Mellark is really that good.

Which it’s not a lie. The dinner is delicious and I can’t resist the temptation of repeating. When it’s over, we’re both full and satisfied. 

\- Tomorrow morning I’m going to Haymitch’s. I would like if you came with me. - Peeta says.

\- Okay. – I answer. Peeta looks at me a bit surprised for me agreeing so easily, but doesn’t say a thing. A while after, we do the dishes and tidy up the kitchen. This time, a conversation begins, endless and pleasant. The type of conversation that seems endless. When a topic ends another one appears to replace it.

\- It’s time for me to go. –he announces. Time just ran by.When was the last time I had such a pleasant conversation? Months ago? Even years?

\- Do you really have to? You could just stay over. – I say.

I want to avoid the nightmares that the night brings, but I cannot deny the fear I have of not seeing him again tomorrow. When all we have is taken, we learn not to take things for granted. 

Peeta smiles and holds my hands. 

\- I think it’s better not. Don’t you think it’s better if we take things slower? A lot already happened today. – I can see in his eyes that he also doesn’t want to go, but I cannot help but agree with him.

It has been a long day and we must understand that this relationship needs more than a few hours and words. It’s necessary to reconstruct our relationship like a house. First you close the cracks, calmly so that what’s new lays in something strong and solid. Only then you start to reconstruct. Without hurry, so that this time the result is better than before. Above everything, we need to wait, be patient. After everything that happened, time is something we should value. 

A few moments later, I follow Peeta to the door. The light from the porch reflects in his eyes, darkening it’s blue, but enhancing the outline of his well-shaped and mature face. He may only be 18, but the circumstances in which we lived made him a man with the notion of what life is too soon. 

Although that’s something I don’t give much importance to, I cannot help myself when I look at his profile. He’s beautiful. Worthy of those classic sculptures from a distant past that I only had the chance to see in History books. 

\- Tomorrow morning at breakfast? – He asks in a whisper, maybe afraid that someone could heard us. Like we were yet being watched by the Capitol.Old habits are hard to lose. I nod. He smiles and says goodbye. – See you tomorrow, Katniss.

\- Goodnight, Peeta. – When he turns, I realize I forgot something. – Peeta. – I call.

Saying his name out loud makes something pleasant sparkle inside me. My voice sounds sweet, which only happened with Prim. Maybe a little hoarse too. He turns again.

\- Yes?

I reach him quickly, not giving myself time to think about my actions and put my arms around his neck. When his arms return my embrace, I feel, what started as a sparkle, turn into a flame. I just didn’t expect to feel his lips on my neck, warm and comforting. I thought there would remain only memories. 

Some words form in my head and I feel so good in this moment that I don’t deny myself the pleasure of saying them.

\- It’s good to have you back. – My voice sounds muffled, because I don’t feel like loosening the embrace. – 12 needs people like you.

Peeta moves away slightly, with wary and thoughtful eyes, looking for an answer.

\- You need me. Real or not real?

In this moment, it’s like it was him reading between the lines. It look as if he reread what I just said to him and found it’s true meaning. He must know the truth, after all, I said the same words to him once. Then, I remember that maybe they used the trackerjacker venom on this memory too. 

\- Real.

That night, when I lay in bed for the first time, I come to the realization that it is too big without Prim to keep me company or without Peeta’s warm body and presence to protect me from the nightmares.

I dress something comfortable to sleep and go to bed. Minutes later, I feel my eyelids starting to get heavy and this time I don’t fight to keep them open. I let myself be lullabied by the drowsiness. 


	4. Bonds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! If there is still anyone Reading this, thank you first for reading and second for waiting for it to be releasead. Due to University I haven't had the time or the patience to translate the last chapter. This one, otherwise has been translated since last summer, but because there wasn't any feedback I got dismotivated and forgot about it. However, since I published this I have to finish it, so here goes chapter four. Hope you like it. 
> 
> Disclaimer: The Hunger Games trilogy and the majority of the characters here mentioned are original.  
>  Not beta read, just me and google translator :)

            I wake up in the morning and notice I didn't had nightmares. I also know that the reason was my last minutes with Peeta the night before. I get up from the bed to what it seems the beginning of a cold morning, fog covering the vegetation behind my house. In the bathroom, I wash my face with cold water to return some energy to it and do my usual braid. I dress practically, pull the sheets of my bed down and open the window to let the fresh air flow. I get chilled with the sudden change of temperature and get down waiting for Peeta to arrive.

            Which doesn’t take long. In fact, a few minutes later he is at my doorstep, knocking. It’s still early, but our habits of baker and hunter make it a bit hard to stay in bed.  I’m almost sure the Capitol citizens would find this the most remarkable thing.

            When I open the door, I find a Peeta well dressed with a face of someone who finally had a good night sleep. In his hands there’s a basket, which I presume has today’s bread.

            - I thought we could have breakfast at Haymitch’s. – Peeta suggests, a hopeful look in his eyes.

            Because I know I’ll have to, inevitably, talk to my former mentor, I comply.

            - Okay.

            While we cross the short path that separates mine’s and Haymitch’s, Peeta tells me he is thinking of reopening the bakery.

            - But that is an excellent idea, Peeta! – I am truly excited about the idea, especially because I know that can help him recover.

            - I thought so myself. – He smiles. We just arrived at Haymitch house, taking the steps before Peeta knocks at the door. Because we get no answer after multiples attempts, we decide to walk in anyway.

            Without anyone to clean his house, the last returned to the old mess. We find Haymitch laying on the couch, an empty bottle in his hand. Peeta get’s closer, checking first if he is without his usual knife.  After checking that it’s safe to wake him up, he starts to shake Haymitch by the shoulder.

            - Ei, Haymitch! Wake up. – After some failed attempts, Haymitch finally opens his eyes, sleepy and lost.

            - Peeta?

            - Yes. I came to bring you breakfast. Go get a shower. – Peeta helps Haymitch getting up and then Haymitch goes to the floor above alone. – I’ll prepare the breakfast. You’re coming?

            - In a minute-  He nods and goes to the kitchen. The house is pitch black and the smell of alcohol fills the air. I open the curtains and then the windows, repeating what I did in my bedroom. I pick up empty bottles and the rubbish scattered around the living room and put all in a paper bag I find in the kitchen. After that I take all the dirty clothes scattered around the house and let them immerse in a washbowl with some hot water and laundry soap.

            - How can Haymitch live in a place like this for years? – I ask Peeta. He just finished placing everything in the table and was even able to find a clean tablecloth. In the table are Peeta’s bread, some milk and coffee. Only looking at it is making me hungry.

            - With him drunk most of the time I think that just isn’t a concern anymore. – Peeta answers, shrugging. We hear Haymitch approaching after a long shower of twenty minutes. He shaved and smells better. More than only dressing some clean clothes, he even gave himself the work of combing his mess of a hair. It’s incredible how a simple shower can make him look years younger.

            Haymitch sees me for the first time, He frowns, staring at me in doubt and still in a groggy voice greets me.

            - Good morning.

            - Good morning. – I answer. Me and Peeta exchange looks. He moves his lips. “Speak”, he says to me. I take a deep breath and look at Haymitch. – Peeta made me see I was wrong in the way I treated you and for that, I want to say I’m sorry.

            He regards me with attention, trying to understand if I’m speaking the truth. After the conversation with Peeta, I know that even though he has hidden a big secret from us, he did what he though was best. Wasn’t that what he did in my first arena? Sending me things from the sponsors? Even in District 13 there were situations he was by my side. That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m still not anger at him 

            After some minutes of tense silence, he nods and sits at the table.

            - Apologies accepted. And because I was wrong at you too, it’s my time to say I’m sorry, Katniss.

            Me and Peeta sit at the table, he facing me and Haymitch at both our sides.

            - You’re forgiven, Haymitch.

            Peeta smiles, happy that me and Haymitch finally made peace. Even though I know it’s a long way until I trust Haymitch again, I too smile, especially because this time I know I’m not alone.

            - I’m thinking about rebuilding the bakery. – Peeta tells Haymitch.

            Haymitch lifts his eyes from the food and smiles in a way I haven’t seen in a long time. It’s a tired smile, after years of confinement, but content none the less.

            -I hope everything goes the way you plan. After everything we need some stability.

            - You could get a hobby. – I say and both look at me with attention. – You’re doing nothing good to yourself if you spend your days closed in this house. – I take a sip of my milk, in which I added some coffee. Even though I’m not a big fan of the drink, the mix of sweet and bitter is quite pleasant.

             After some time, Haymitch announces something that makes Peeta extremely happy.

          – Your friend, Delly, is back. I though you would be happy to know.

            - Are you serious? When did she returned? – His enthusiasm about Delly make me squirm with a series of contradictory feelings. I try to wipe them out, because in this moment jealousy is something I don’t need. The thing is that, even though we kissed, I still fear Peeta will never love me again. Aren’t my doubts real?

            - Some days ago, I believe. She was crossing the square when I saw her.

            - I have to visit her. Do you know if there was someone else with her?

            - I saw her with a boy the same age as you two, but I think he’s from 13, never saw him here before. – So Delly had a boyfriend? After everything she’s been through alone, I’m happy she had found someone. I laugh internally because only a few moments ago I was jealous of her.

            - Now she can stop saying she would never find someone.  – Peeta says while laughing.

            We keep on eating our breakfast. After that, I go with Peeta to the bakery. He evaluates the damage of the bakery and notes everything he’s going to need in a piece of paper. It’s surprising how impartial he is to the destruction that surround us.

            Later, he asks me what I want to do, to which I decide to make a visit to Greasy Sae to see if her granddaughter is going better and give her the bread we didn’t ate at breakfast. We then ask some people around for Delly and go meet her. When she sees Peeta she holds him in her arms and I notice some shaking in her embrace. I can see in her eyes how happy she is to see that Peeta is getting better. She then hugs me and kisses my cheek, telling me I’m looking pretty, when in truth I never looked so plain. I appreciate her kindness none the less and reciprocate her hug, because even though I’m not a very physical person, I think we both needed it. Behind her is a boy the same height as Peeta, but slimmer. Dark hair such has is eyes, but ivory skin like Delly.

            - Peeta, Katniss, this is Jory.

            - Hi, I’m Peeta. – Peeta extends his hand in a greeting way and Jory shakes it.

            - It’s a pleasure to finally meet you both.

            We spend the rest of the morning with them, hearing the story of how they met and laughing at Delly’s embarrassment. It’s a nice morning in which, for the the first time, I can forget what happened in the last months. After their insistence, we end up having lunch there and then, for how much weird this may sound, we both say goodbye with a hug.

            - Come by anytime you want. It’s nice to be with friends. – Delly says. We all smile and then me and Peeta leave.

            Back at the square, it’s me asking Peeta what he want’s to do.

            - We could go to the woods. I know you haven’t been hunting. I would like to see you back to your old routine.

            I think about it for a while but end up accepting the idea.

            - Okay, but with you is going to be a bit harder to hunt. – Peeta starts to laugh and I end up joining.

            - I’ll just watch.

            When we arrive at the woods, I grab one of my bows and mount some traps. I keep close to the border, since I can’t yet feel very comfortable to venture deep within the woods. Peeta keeps his promise and sits on the ground, his back against a tree, watching me. After finding a squirrel I shot my arrow straight between his eyes. I look back and Peeta gives me a smile and a thumb up. I return the smile shyly. This time it is me who shies away, looking at the leaves underneath my feet. And then I see it. The dandelion. It is a bit ironic after everything that surrounds this flower with my life and my relationship with Peeta.

            After hunting two more squirrels and a rabit I put everything in the three next to the one where Peeta is. I sit beside him. While I’ve been hunting I forgot everything, but now I remember all the days I spent here hunting with my dad and then Gale. Even though Peeta was only watching, he is great company. His presence alone comforts me and makes me feel safer, even though I know I can defend myself.

            - Have you been talking to Gale? – Peeta asks me suddenly, catching me by surprise.

            - No. – I feel his eyes on me, but honestly, I feel there’s nothing else to say.

            - Do you miss him?

            His question makes me think. Of course I miss my best friend, but after everything that happened between us I think that him going to 2 was for the best. I know our relationship can never be the same. Every moment we lived until the revolution ended had a drastic effect in what was a great relationship between partner’s, companions. Me and Gale helped each other grow. When we hunted we became one. But even though I know we had a lot in our life that was the same, I know that after everything we lived, our relationship would have been based on conflict. We weren’t be able to see past our flaws. Gale will be always important to me and I hope one day I can have my friend back. Who knows, maybe next time we see each other we will be in a better place in life and can greet like old friends and family. After everything, I know now, in my heart, that despite all the ups and downs, despite me questioning my feeling for him, Gale is like a brother to me. I can finally understand why he left. There was nothing in 12 that made him want to stay.

            - I won’t deny it. I do miss him, but I believe, in a way, that is better like this. After everything that happened, my relationship with Gale was broken. I think there’s going to be always something that ties him to Prim’s death, even though I know it wasn’t his fault. There are  other things in the middle as well. Things became weird. But who knows? Maybe someday we can be friends again, I would like that. I just want him to be happy, like everyone around me. The war left scars in all of us. – I look at Peeta and hope he understands. He knows how it was when the parachutes came because he shares scars like mine. And because he knows how it is to lose your loved ones to war.

            - I am so sorry, Katniss.

            - Me too, Peeta. No one deserved this. – We lock eyes and in the end we hold each other, comfort each other. Peeta lost all his family, I only have my mom. I can’t hold back the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. Not only because of Prim, but because both me and Peeta lost people we both loved so much. I miss Finnick so much. I miss his smile. I miss the joy that reached his eyes every time he thought or was with Annie. I miss his kindness, his strength, his perseverance.

             I hold on to Peeta, burying my face in his neck. I feel the longing taking over my body. Finnick was a few of the only people I trusted with my heart, my companion in some of my darkest moments. I will always be eternally grateful of everything he did. Not only for saving Peeta, but for having my back when I needed the most. He was my confident, my companion, my friend. During the revolution, he was the one who understood me the most.

            - I miss him so much, Peeta. I never thought losing Finnick would be so hard. I might never have showed it, but I loved him, so much. He was my brother. He saved you. He suffered with me while you and Annie were taken. You can’t imagine how happy I was to finally see him next to Annie. And even so, he is gone. He didn’t deserve it, Peeta! He was a warrior, and warriors deserve to be rewarded for everything they did! He should be here, he should be here….

            Peeta holds me strongly, whispering comforting words at my ear.

            - I know how you feel, Katniss. I loved him, too. He wasn’t just my ally, he was my true friend, one of the few people I trusted the most. I own him my life and that is a debt I will never be able to repay. There’s no one like him and there’s never going to be. I know it’s hard knowing he’s not here. But believe me, Katniss, he lives, in us. In our dearest memories, is our hearts. And so does Prim, my family, your dad, Cinna, Rue, everyone we hold dear. Is hard to lose someone we love, and it’s a pain that will never go away, but we need to make space for other feelings. Don’t cry. Smile. Remember all the good times you shared and cherish them and that way they will never leave you. They live, inside us, through us.

            I try to keep Peeta’s words and never forget them. Everything he said is right. I will always have the one’s I love next to me, in my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will admit it, this chapter isn't the best, in terms of storytelling and in terms of english. It's purpose it's to be more like a transantionary chapter, although I do really love the end.


End file.
